So what now?
Although I was raise Lutheran, my roots in the evangelical way of life ran pretty deep — I was consumed by anything and everything that was of the church. I was vivaciously active, “leading worship” wherever they would have me, going on retreats, leading bible studies, and consuming anything that I could get my hands on that would help reinforce the faint idea that God loved me and had a plan for me.
Faint, yes.
It was a weekly, if not daily battle of who would stand victorious on the mountain top, my terrible self-worth issues or the distinctly evangelical ideas I was consuming. Those ideals? Having a destiny in Christ and value to the Kingdom of God through your accomplishments or what you did for God. Well, at least that’s what it appeared to be on the surface.
If I’m really honest, I was famished for the approval and acceptance of others; and you can imagine how much it fed that insatiable appetite by attending prayer meetings where they’d lay hands on you and prophecy all sorts of wonderful things.
You’re a mighty man of God and have David’s heart for God! He’s going to do many great things through you and is going to use you for a mighty purpose…
You get the idea. With a convincing veil of spirituality and a sincere heart of prayer, my need for acceptance, self-worth and purpose in life was fulfilled and titillated through the laying on of hands — whether or not they were indeed right and speaking the heart and mind of God for me. And I sought out every opportunity to bask in those times of “prayer” and marinade myself with bless me God sessions.
But after my falling out with the evangelical way of life and into this journey of Orthodoxy, things have been much different; much different from what I had been hoping for.
In my quest for the authentic expression of the early first century church, much of what I had hoped for has come nowhere to fruition — hope for some answers, meaning for my life, understanding for what I’ve been feeling and why. Not that what I had before was all that great or true; in fact, even just last night I was paging through an old journal of mine that had a chart I drew in it that presumably came from some sermon I heard.
Imagine your standard line graph — the horizontal base the years throughout your life, the vertical axis your accomplishment level. The chart illustrated that early on you have much to learn and accomplish very little, with a correlating line point relatively low on the chart. As you grow older, presumably you accomplish more for God and your level of effectiveness increases and the amount you need to learn decreases.
After looking at this chart in my journal, it honestly took me a few minutes to figure out what this chart was illustrating; and when it finally sank in I was dumb-founded by just how toxic a model to believe. I don’t recall who taught it or where I heard it, but at that time it apparently seemed important enough to not only jot down, but overlay my life experiences to it. And I bought into it, the toxic idea that worth is equated with what I accomplish for God [of course with the assumption that increased effectiveness and accomplishments for God is presumed as good].
If I were to lay a transparency of my life as it is now over this chart of effectiveness, things wouldn’t be looking so hot. I’m not actively involved in “ministry”, recently my church attendance has been sporadic, and I just am not doing much with my talents or gifts. Instead my life is consumed by spending quality time with my wife and daughter, buried in mounds of stuff to do at work, and a few spare moments here and there that I get to work in my garden. I’m not accomplishing anything for God, that I can see. I’m not out there “saving souls”. I’m not ministering much to the poor apart from my offerings at Church and periodic food shelf donations.
By that toxic diagram’s standard, my worth, value or effectiveness is much less than in my days of “leading worship”, bible studies, and actively involved in my church…before kids and before Orthodoxy. In fact, if anything my feelings of worth or value have tanked — there is no coddling of my heart or spirit (feelings), no prayer meetings, no place in the Orthodox church to really use the full extent of my gifts (that I know of anyway), and no pep talks or prodding us on to find our calling in God and to fulfill it.
I’m a new convert to Orthodoxy, so I don’t know the in’s and out’s of what we really believe and do; much of that I’m still trying to learn. But from an Orthodox perspective, where do we stand on this whole calling from God? Is it just a myth propagated by the western evangelical church in an attempt to fill the void of “why am I here on earth?” Because what I’ve seen so far in the Orthodox Church, there really isn’t any talk about our purpose in life, a calling from God, or what we’re supposed to be doing with these gifts that we’ve been given. If I’m correct, the Orthodox Church would probably just give some explanation of it being a mystery and distilling our existence into serving the poor, becoming more like God (theosis), and other spiritually existential thought about journey.
But what of these gifts we’ve been given? What of our purpose in life? And what is it that really offers us a source of value?
I’m human and will be the first to admit that the concept of being able to know God is beyond me — the finite cannot comprehend, understand, or even know the infinite. The only thing I have to go on is trusting what our Orthodox predecessors have written (and even that is a stretch for me), taught, and maintained over the centuries. But how do they really know?
Forgive me as I try to work these things “out loud”, but I’m wrestling as to where real value and meaning comes from, and how or where we ascribe that value to our life.
In the past — and it still holds true today — my value was distinctly tied to what I am able to do and how well people receive it. Practically speaking, in the past it was writing and performing my songs and how well people received it, how many people would (or would not) come out to see me perform, and anything loosely connected to what I could do with what I’ve got. Music was so central to my life, but with so many changes that have occurred over the past few years, those dreams are just shrapnel that I’ve tried gluing together here and there with the occasional song written or recorded.
At present, I love being a dad and a husband — I’m grateful for what I have. But apart from nurturing my family, there really isn’t much. I’ve attempted to try and counter this lack-of-music-ness in my life by creating a podcast that combines music, photography, poetry, and commentary with the original intent to just express myself. But I’m only kidding myself if I say that it only matters to me that I can express myself in different ways. There’s always the other side of the coin.
The other side here is the need to create for others and for them to receive it (me) well; or in other words that flip side is wrought with the need for approval, validation, and worth. My intent or desire is relatively pure, in wanting to really create things that would help make some sort of difference in other people; but there is a subtle double-edged desire to draw self-worth or value from that offering.
I’m not even certain how that subtle behavior came into my way of thinking, but it’s there. I wouldn’t even know where to start to replacing that line of thinking or what even to replace it with, as it comes down to the ten-million dollar question: what is the meaning of life?
I’m not sure. So what now? What does the Orthodox church have to say about this?
