The sum of the parts
I won’t lie — I’ve neglected my contributions to The Hitchhiker’s Guide [psst… and I’m the admin]. In fact, because I felt like I had nothing to say or to contribute to the discussion of the ancient faith, I didn’t say anything at all.
It was probably better that way.
I met with my long-time friend Jamison for lunch, huddled in an excessively air-conditioned diner, drinking coffee with some hope of waking out of the funk I’ve been in for the past several weeks. While I’d like to say it was more of a James Brown kind of funk, I’m sad to report it’s just your run-of-the-mill mind funk.
After talking about some nonsensical subject matter, I threw it out there: so I’ve been thinking, wondering what the sum of my life is supposed to be. After commiserating in our like circumstances and thoughts over french toast with sausage and eggs sunny-side-up, we just left it at the conclusion “we don’t know.”
To give a bit more background information and context, I have been largely indoctrinated and largely grew up with a western, evangelical mindset. The idea of having a purpose and a destiny was ingrained into me, so much so that it seems a never-ending pursuit: synchronicity between my purpose or destiny with my life (which includes vocation and free time). For quite some time, I had associated my musical pursuits as being a part of my destiny, part of who I am; and the desired outcome was of course a life-long career as a musician, songwriter and performer — and through that craft expressing my beliefs, perspectives, experiences, and feelings.
Why and to what end? To be noticed? To leave a legacy? To serve God through something I was good at and enjoyed? Whatever the answer, it has long been in my mind that my value and self worth was equated with what I was doing. And from that, it wouldn’t be out of the question for me to deduct, that if I am not doing much of anything at all, I have little worth or value.
Doing = being.
I know that’s flawed in every way, viewing my value and worth through the lens of what I do for a living and extracurricular activities and hobbies. But the reality is, is that is the reality of my thinking.
Prior to my conversion to Orthodoxy, I belonged to a church that held the mantra (or more accurately was their motto/slogan) our church is “…a safe place to discover your destiny in Jesus Christ.” You couldn’t make it a few weeks without hearing about your destiny. Now that’s not entirely a bad thing, but I think it fueled my dysfunction: being = doing. Next to our pastor, I was probably one of the most busy people in our church. Outside of my 30-hour-week job I was holding down, I was putting roughly 20-30 hours a week at church: maintaining our website, designing marketing and printed materials for them, leading practices sessions with the band(s), leading the music portion of the worship service (evangelicals would call me a “worship leader”), and during the Christmas season contributing my creative services to the annual Christmas pageant.
I was busy. Very busy. And residing subtly within the recesses of my heart was this idea that I had to be doing things to earn God’s love and his favor. According to my level of reasoning, I should have been one of the most loved people in my church; but on the inside I was desperately lonely, empty, and spent of all my reserves to try and please God, gain favor with my pastor, and be loved and appreciated by our church. The reality is that I felt quite alone, unloved, unappreciated, and that I was no closer to being loved by God through all my efforts.
Today, on the flip side of the coin after converting to Orthodoxy, my outward expressions changed a little bit. I still found myself always trying to plug myself into this or that and doing, doing, doing. And after trying various means of expression and finding that few were really interested in what I had to offer the world, I stopped doing.
I don’t do much outside of my job, being a husband and new dad, and wasting my free time on the computer. Nothing has really changed — still feeling alone, unloved, unappreciated and a bit distant from the God I once loved with all my heart. If anything has changed, it’s that I’ve aligned myself with a church that is in apostolic succession and generally speaking is doctrinally correct. My new-found traditions have changed, but the heart remains the same — ever striving with this idea stuck in my head that I have to be doing something to earn God’s favor, and that my sense of self and my depiction of worth is inextricably tied to what I do.
So where does this leave me today?
I’m left wondering, where do I draw my value, worth and esteem from, when I feel so compelled that I have to be doing something to achieve that? The answer I know in my head is that my value, esteem, and worth ought to come from God, but let’s just say that even though I go to the well every Sunday, there are a million and a half reasons that I feel unable or incapable of scooping my bucket in and drawing from the wellspring (realizing of course, that I should be drawing daily). And because I have not been drawing from the well, let’s just say that my mood hasn’t been the most positive as of late.
With so many things swirling around and surging various thoughts forth, I’m left wondering “so where do I go from here?” I don’t do a whole lot because I just can’t bring myself to thrust obligations into my life beyond what I have with my wife and my daughter. But then I question my idle time — should I be doing something with that time other than wasting it? And to what end and for what purpose? Is it to add value to my existence, or is it to feel like I’m not wasting it and being a good steward as not to tick God off?
I’m afraid I have no answers for my own questions, and that this post basically amounts to a vent of my frustrations and feelings.
I’ve considered resuming my musical ambitions, but several questions remain:
- To what end would I be satisfied?
- Why is it so important to continue on with the music?
- Am I really content if no one cares or if no one ever listens (or even likes it)?
- How much of this is fueled by my need for self-esteem and approval from others/God?
- Or am I better of just selling all my gear and closing that chapter in my life for good?
The questions aren’t easy… neither are the answers.
